the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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