I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I wish there were birth control emojis
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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