I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
