i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
