You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i was born a porn star she said
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
