I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
