It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
