At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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