Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
