Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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