Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
