May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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