After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
