She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
