New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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