Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
