I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
