you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
