what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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