chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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