True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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