nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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