My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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