ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
we're so committed to being not committed
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
