Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
