I think i peed on brittanys purse
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
