We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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