Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
