my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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