Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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