We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
