flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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