Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
