what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
