Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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