I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
