we're chasing vodka with high fives
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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