Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
