My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
