Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
being pregnant is like rehab
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
