just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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