yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
