I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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