I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
