i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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