I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
