Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just found puke in my bra..
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
