Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
