yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
