i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
