my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
