Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
