oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
