i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
