I like my sex mixed with concussions.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
