I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
