Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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