I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
