Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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