I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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