6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
